This morning I was browsing through old things and I found my old journals. Since I was 16 – 17 years old I wrote a journal every day (until I was 30). A few words, but some days I wrote a little bit more. Some years I wrote a lot. I opened one of these books this morning, and I must admit I was surprised of what I read. I’m puzzled by the person that shines through in this book. What a self-righteous, fundamentalist, scary person, but at the same time vulnerable and emotional. At one side touched by God’s love and power, at the other side using spirituality to control and as a crutch so that I wouldn’t have to make my own decisions.
Was that really who I was? YES, and meeting my past through my own writing makes me uncomfortable, but at the same humble. It’s so easy to blame others for what was wrong in my life, but for the last 10 – 15 years I’ve been aware of the fact that I was responsible for my life, not others. I’m impressed by some of the people that met me with so much grace.
I’m mostly happy about where I am today, but reading those words from my past makes me realize that I always have to struggle to become a better man. Not running away from my mistakes and wrongdoings and the lack of grace and love in my personality, but struggling to improve and telling the world that this is who I am - a person worth loving, but also with weaknesses - in need of love, but most of all: in need of grace!
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3 comments:
Thanks Raquel. Accountability - yes! Incredibly important, but at the same time one of the hardest things to live out in real life. Thanks for the feedback!
I recognize part of this from my own past. I think we don't really grow up intellectually until we're well past twenty. We simply need some experience with the world as richer than black & white and some distance to our parents & background to really deepen our thinking and open our minds.
So as someone who works with youth in the church I struggle to live up to their expectations of clear answers and stark contrasts. That I am almost unable to provide. A place to belong and a stable identity is another story...
Hi Geir, Thanks for your entry! I'm glad that I've experienced a phase in life where I saw the world from a "radical" viewpoint (I'm glad I'm not there today though). Last week I saw the Norwegian movie "Gymnaslærer Pedersen" and recognized a lot of the same mechanisms in the communist community described in the movie as my radical Christian viewpoint as a younger person. Fortunately there were some great youth leaders in my congregation that encouraged my youthful enthusiasm, but at the same time talked to us about life and how complicated it can be at times.
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